She will have no fear of bad news; her heart is steadfast, trusting in the Lord. (Psalm 112:7)

(not that) dark side of me

Seorang teman suatu hari bertanya, 'tin, lo pernah paling bandel ngapain?'

Pertanyaan aneh kedua yang pernah gwe terima setelah dulu seorang teman kuliah pernah nanya 'hidup lo bahagia gak sih tin?' HAHA :"D 

Hm, dan pertanyaan itu cukup bikin gwe berpikir beberapa waktu. I don't do drugs, i don't go clubbing, i don't behave badly enough to make me go to the jail, i'm a kinda nice girl and fulltime God's girl. 'Hm, berantem sama orang tua kayaknya' then i answered, yang otomatis dibales dengan hahaha yang menyindir. 

Well, let me tell you secret of mine, dear readers yang selama ini mungkin mengira gwe anaknya soleha banget and you judge me a super nice girl by my writings, well, wait until you see me arguing with my parents and taaarrra! the dark side of me shows up. It's not just an ordinary arguments, but in a blink of eyes, it can turn into world war yang entah ke berapa kalinya.

A friend of mine once told me, 'ah, elo mah gak ngerti tin masalah gwe, keluarga lo oke-oke aja.. gak pernah kan kejer-kejeran pake piso sama adek lo dalem rumah..' and i answered, yeah mungkin gwe gak kejer-kejeran pake piso, tapi gwe kejer-kejeran sama emak gwe pake gantungan baju dan berujung di gwe biru-biru sana sini because no one can win while fight with moms, uh?

Ya singkat cerita beberapa hari lalu gwe, lagi dan lagi jatuh di masalah yang sama, anger management, dan kembali beradu mulut sama emak gwe yang berujung gwe lelah. PFFT. Seriously like i wanna give up dan mau kabur dari rumah, mau bodo amat sama segala macem bentuk kegiatan kerohanian, mau bodo amat sama Tuhan.. istilahnya, ngambek. Ngambek sama Tuhan soalnya gwe dikasih masalah ini-ini mulu, soalnya udah tau kalo gwe emosian, udah tau kalo gwe susah dah pokoknya kalau berhubungan sama masalah yang ini, tapi instead of ngasih gwe tiba-tiba kesabaran atau kelupa-ingatan yang bikin gwe tiba-tiba kayak kesihir jadi super nice girl, gwe malah dikobok terus di kubangan yang sama. Kan bete..... :|

Yeah intinya those days gwe sebel sama Tuhan, sedih, marah, kecewa, dan itu, ngambek. Beberapa hari gwe bodo amat gak mau doa, gak mau baca Alkitab. (yeah, i'm that childish). Kalau mau disingkat jadi dua kata adalah saat-saat itu gwe, give up. Bukan, bukan surrender, tapi give up. My friend once told me, perbedaan surrender dan give up adalah, 'surrender is when we know we've done our best. give up is when we.... well, (maybe) choose to stop while we can do better :)'

Dan saya, malam-malam itu memilih untuk give up dan bete sama Tuhan. But you know what... I indeed have a super faithful and patience God. I indeed have best friends yang super sabar nemenin gwe yang berulang-ulang kekobok di kubangan ini.. She asked me, 'kamu gak cape tin begini terus?' SSSSSAAH. Rasanya mau teriak CAPEE BANGET WOY! but she reminded me this thing, 'kalau kamu gak lulus ujian ini, ya kamu bakal terus di proses di masalah ini..', katanya begitu. Gwe terdiam, di satu sisi tahu itu benar, di satu sisi lalu berpikir terus gwe harus bagaimana. Well, mungkin tahu, tapi gwe seperti berusaha untuk pura-pura gak tau.

Lalu muncul satu anak bocah yang tiba-tiba muncul di depan kantor, dan ngasih buku ini 'When you are down to nothing, God is up to something' trus sub titlenya adalah 'Discovering Divine Purpose and Provision when Life Hurts'. Wuts.. Padahal dia gak tau apa-apa tapi bukunya....... bikin gwe mewek dengan cuma baca judulnya. Pas buka dalemnya, lebih bikin mewek.. she wrote me this, 'Whenever you feel unloved, unimportant, or insecure, remember to whom you belong'. Here's the thing, each time i had arguments with my parents and ended up like a world war, i always feel unloved because all the curses she said and all the feelings i have and all the bad things i do make me feel unworthy dan lalu, gimana gak mewek baca tulisan ini......................... Lalu hari itu, gwe lagi entah kenapa muterin terus lagu ost nya facing the giants yang liriknya begini..

time after time You’ve been left behind
like the sun when it’s starting to rain
time after time You’ve been forgotten
like a picture that’s faded with age
time after time You ran after me
when I was still running away

You never give up on me
no, You never give up on me
though I’m weak you are strong
You told me I still belong
no You never, never give up on me

and one of my friend reminded me, 'He never gives up on you, tin'. Gwe percaya gak ada yang kebetulan kan, so that song yang muter terus di otak, that book yang dikasih tiba-tiba sama temen gwe, semua itu, i count as He is saying to me.. 'I never give up on you, even you feel like giving up... I know you can pass all these things, i know you can finish well the race..' Begitu. Gimana gak makin mewek sih.. :")

Belom berakhir sampai disana, keesokan harinya, pas lagi denger radio RPK karena bokap temen gwe siaran, dia bawain tentang things to do entering 2014, dan tau apa aja yang dibahas? Jaga hati dan rendah hati. And bam! I know those two are the answers for my process yang ini... So, duh, mau komplen Tuhan jahat apa lagi sih kalau jelas-jelas Dia right there beside me through all my tears and gedebak-gedebuk jatoh ber-ribuan kali.

And the same God who be here with me is also be there for you, wherever you are..... :")

2 comments:

KeZia Margaret said...

Hai Titinnn..
I really know that feeling. rasanya pengen nyerah, pengen give up. udehh nggak ada hasrat buat bertahan. sama kah??hehe..

*peluk titin*
you are not alone tin. Setiap kita harus jalanin proses yang berbeda. Hang on dan never quit! :D

christine natalia said...

hahaha yeaah kindaaa like that.. :p

iya kez... you too!

Christine Natalia. Powered by Blogger.

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I write because He is exist. I write because His Grace manifested in my life. I write so one day when I lack of Hope and Faith I can reread all His goodness and mercy that ever happened in my life and my Faith will rise up, in Christ alone.