She will have no fear of bad news; her heart is steadfast, trusting in the Lord. (Psalm 112:7)

February: Months of Love?

Happy Cap Go Meh day! BUAHAHAHA.. #denial 

Ceritanya kemaren gwe lagi buka-buka kulkas, trus nemu beberapa batang coklat which is not mine, yang berarti adalah pasti punya adek gwe yang masih SMP 2 itu... sementara cicinya cuma dapet 1 coklat, adeknya dapet banyak. #gakiri eh, that's not what i'm gonna talking about sih.. --"

As we all know, this month is February, bulan yang katanya penuh cinta, bulan yang katanya lebih banyak yang patah hati daripada yang jadian, bulan yang katanya tingkat bunuh diri paling banyak terjadi. Ironis sih......... Gwe pribadi, felt nothing di bulan Februari ini, super biasa-biasa aja.. nothing i'm gonna celebrate specially. 

Sampai beberapa waktu lalu pas di youth service, actually i was like intimidated karena i felt kayak mmm....... disappreciated. Trus i walked into that room with that feeling. Trus pas i sat down and worship began, i was crying suddenly kayak a child, tapi sebenernya gak lagi nangis karena sedih, bukan karena perasaan disappreciated, karena honestly when i sat down there i didn't feel anything.. tapi bisa-bisaan gwe nangis gak jelas gitu sampai meanwhile i was crying tuh gwe mikir loh 'duh Tuhan aku kenapa nih? koq air matanya gak jelas gini ngocornya, jangan-jangan kelenjar air mata aku kenapa gitu?' i really spoke to God at that time kayak gitu. Kinda freak ya? hihi..

Sampai pas the preacher, Kak Syelvi naik panggung, dia bilang gini.. 'i sense the Lord pours out His love here..' trus gwe sambil masih berderai air mata kayak 'oke God, now i know nih kenapa tiba-tiba nangis... i'm embraced by Your Love...'.

Gak sampai disana, kemarin gwe ikut kebaktian youth gereja di kantor gwe, and really i felt kayak He poured out His love ke orang-orang disana.. dan i was praying hard supaya every heart be opened to feel His Love. Dan sejenak gwe tersadar, duh, Tuhan itu sayaaaaaaaaaaang banget sama semua orang, semua, even yang merasa gak layak, even yang merasa terikat sama dosa, even yang merasa jauh banget dari Tuhan, even yang merasa dihantui masa lalu, duh, Tuhan tuh beneran lagi maksimal banget curahin kasihNya belakangan ini *dari dulu juga sih*, masalah utamanya cuma, do you hardened your heart? or are you willing to open your heart widely to receive His love? Cuma itu koq masalah utamanya beneran.... 

These days i pray for that thing, let hearts be opened, biar setiap hati yang udah keras tuh dilembutin sama Tuhan, biar setiap pikiran-pikiran NGEH kalau Tuhan sayanggg banget sama kita, biar setiap kasih Tuhan yang lagi dicurahin abis-abisan gak kepentok sama hati yang dingin, pikiran yang logis, perasaan yang tawar, biar setiap kita bisa ngalamin kasih Tuhan deeper, and deeper.

sometimes our brains are our own worst enemies because grace isn't logical.


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I write because He is exist. I write because His Grace manifested in my life. I write so one day when I lack of Hope and Faith I can reread all His goodness and mercy that ever happened in my life and my Faith will rise up, in Christ alone.