The Fear of Being Left

Blame on my period, these days lately, sisi melankolis gwe meningkat drastis tanpa ijin. Entah kenapa tapi ada beberapa momen di hari-hari ini yang bikin gwe realized one thing. Bahwa gwe punya rasa ketakutan berlebihan untuk ditinggalkan orang-orang yang berarti buat gwe. I've been through this a lot. Mungkin awalnya nggak sadar, but then ternyata kayak efek bola salju yang membesar dan bikin paranoid.

I once had a story. It happened ketika gwe masih kecil, masih sekolah minggu. Back then I had a favorite guru sekolah minggu. Gwe gak mau sama orang lain unless with her. Gwe bahkan stayed 2 years with her padahal harusnya gwe naik kelas dan ganti guru but I chose to stick with her. Until one day, pas lagi perayaan Natal. Dia jadi make up artist gitu dan gwe as a kid dancer. I remembered clearly what she said kalau dia nggak suka dandanin orang setengah-setengah. Jadi sebelum dia dandanin gwe, dia kelarin dandanin satu-satu anak. Tibalah giliran gwe, dan pas lagi make up in gwe, di tengah-tengah dia menghilang dan entah kemana. It made me kinda shock dan baper (dari kecil I was that baper). I forgot the rest of the story that night, but I never forget that scene.

And again, what I thought is just a simple thing ternyata nggak sadar malah jadi pemancik traumatic in my life, the fear of being left. 

Lalu, randomly tadi pas di shuttle bus. Di saat gwe sedang merefleksi diri kenapa gwe lagi baper banget hari-hari ini, I remembered one scene in Bible tentang hal yang sama. Ini interpretasi gwe loh ya, but I think, one of the biggest factor yang bikin Tuhan Yesus ketakutan sampai nangis keluar air mata darah adalah karena Dia takut ditinggalin sama Bapa.

Bukan serta merta takut karena Dia bakal disalib, disiksa, dan dianiaya sama tentara Romawi. More than that, Dia takut ditinggalin sama Tuhan. Dia takut ditinggalin what matters most to Him, His Father. Because He knows for sure, once He sacrificed Himself for human, Dia bakal terpisah sama Allah Bapa karena dosa manusia.

And this what made Jesus worry and scared, more than anything.

Di sela-sela gwe menulis ini, I was thinking, how amazing my God is. Entah kenapa gwe merasa God was trying to tell me that it's normal somehow to feel this kind of feeling. Fear of being left alone. Fear of being no longer be loved, di saat gwe berpikir... 'Asli, gwe lebay banget!'

But what matters most is how we respond. Again, I was reminded about this verse, 

'My comfort in my suffering is this: Your promise preserves my life.' -Psalm 119:50

And what is His promise?

'.. Because God has said, "Never will I leave you, never will I forsake you." -Hebrew 13:5b

And there's still a lot about God's promises of never leaving us in the Bible. 

Set your mind on things that are above, not on earthly things. Maybe this what I should hang on to these days. Stop thinking about earthly things when I have an insurance in Christ alone. People changes, seasons passes, but His words are yes and amen. His promises preserve my life.

*currently listening to Made for Worship - Planetshakers