He is with me, all this time.

I don't even know where to start. Too many things happened lately.

I turned to 24.

I faced (probably) the toughest week of my life.

(setelah zaman putus pas SMA dulu, iya pas SMA terakhir pacaran. *harus sedih apa gimana*)

It started, on 1st October, in the beginning of my favorite month.

One of my sisters in Christ whatsapp-ed me and asked me to write an article for her ministry with theme 'Quiet time'.

And I simply answered, 'when I feel lack of it, I don't think I can do it.'

Then she laughed and said she knew it that's why she asked me to write about it.

(cici yang satu itu emang bakat jadi cenayang)

But I still, can't write about it. I feel I'm having super in a rush week, and months.

October is a month filled with projects and deadlines in my office.

Woke up and slept like a panda. (Wekeke)

But funnily, those time, I had a favorite song titled 'Engkau gembala yang baik' which the lyric taken from Psalm 23.

And when I told her about my fav song, she told me she almost sent me those verse, Psalm 23.

On the next day, I found Psalm 23 on the internet that I read.

"He renews my strength. He guides me along right paths, bringing honor to his name." (Psalm 23:3 NLT)

I was shocked for the repeated verse I got, Psalm 23. Little did I know, that was a sign from God to prepare for what is coming.

6th October 2015.

Feels like a storm hit, and a super big wave crushing in.

Feels like your parents get divorced and you have to choose in 3 days. Whom should you stay with.

It happened. Not in my real family, but in my second family. Hm, in my church.

Nothing bad happened. It's just one of our associate pastor has another calling to do. Which then He left the church, lead a new one. And the effect, many of us followed him, his vision and support him. It's an exciting journey tho for them. But for me, it was like *JEGEEER* because my loved ones, the ones who support me these past years go with him while I think I got from God that I have to stay in my current community.

It's a week full of tears. Not only for me but for all of us. FULL of tears.

But on those days, I remember what Psalm 23 says.

A psalm of David.

¹ The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing.
²     He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,
³     he refreshes my soul.
He guides me along the right paths
    for his name’s sake.
⁴ Even though I walk
    through the darkest valley,
I will fear no evil,
    for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
    they comfort me.

⁵ You prepare a table before me
    in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
    my cup overflows.
⁶ Surely your goodness and love will follow me
    all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the Lord
    forever.

Those days were the days when you can't listen to anybody's opinion and you just have to listen to what God put in your heart. To know which way you should take, to stay or to leave. Nothing wrong, nothing less important than the other option. What matters is what God tell us to do, personally.

The Lord is my shepherd, He leads me beside quiet waters,

Even though I walk through the darkest valley, 

I will fear no evil for You are with me.

I can't write here the details of the darkest valley I've been through this week. 

But it dark enough to make me cry the WHHOOOLLE week

But knowing He has prepared me for this such of time,

Knowing He is always near and He knows what is happening soothe my heart.

Knowing He let all this happen for a reason is promising.

I remembered last year, while we were preparing for youth and teens camp. The theme popped up in my heart, EXPANDED. Which become the name of the youth and teens camp. And that is what God really doing these days. Expanded! He is expanding our heart, our capability. Talking about expanding, nothing comes easy. It's all about process. Stretched until you worry that it will break into pieces. Expanding talking about process. But it gonna be worth it at the end.

New season. This is what it's all about. Entering the new year of mine and the new year of Jew last September, I've learning about one thing. Only hold on to God. My heart and flesh may fail but His promises yes and amen. His promises preserves my life.

These past few weeks, I do learn lots of things. A LOT.

1. In the quietness of His love, I found my strength.

All we need is to rest in Him, put away all the fear, the doubt, the worry and rest in Him knowing He is God. Then the small gentle voice will speak in your heart. You just have to be quiet, and listen.

2. ALL things work together for good.

Though we might not understand what God is doing, please know that He is a builder, not a crusher. What He is doing is to make something new, better and cooler than what we can imagine.

3. Align with God is never easy, but that is what life about.

This is my wish entering 24. For my heart aligns with God's heart. For my life aligns with what He wants. And alignment is never easy. It caused pain and hurt sometimes. But if it what really matter, then why need to run away.

4. Hold on to God, not to people.

Those things make me stand alone. I was forced to meet and work with new people I've rarely talk with. My comfort zone in a *BAMMM* was 'taken' from me. My inner circle of friends. Yes, we still be friend, but not again under the same ministry. I was 'forced' to learn that God is my only source of strength.

5. I am loved.

And that's enough to give me courage to carry on and take a step, one a time. Not only by God, but from people surround me. Entering 24, I've received LOOOOTS of love letters from my beloved friends, received a bouquet of roses and lily which represent what I've dealing nowadays. Moments of pruning and pure heart HAHAHA :""). (beratt euy). 

.....

I hope you can understand the summary of what I'm going through these 19 days lately.

And I want you to know, whatever your process right now, no you're not alone.

Keep in mind that all things work together for good.

Take some moment of quiet time, rest in His love.

Then His love will renew you, refreshes your soul.

And it gives you strength, to carry on.

Even on the darkest valley, you'll keep on moving.

Knowing He is with you, all this time.

*currently listening to Nearness by Bethel Church*