The Fear of Being Left

Blame on my period, these days lately, sisi melankolis gwe meningkat drastis tanpa ijin. Entah kenapa tapi ada beberapa momen di hari-hari ini yang bikin gwe realized one thing. Bahwa gwe punya rasa ketakutan berlebihan untuk ditinggalkan orang-orang yang berarti buat gwe. I've been through this a lot. Mungkin awalnya nggak sadar, but then ternyata kayak efek bola salju yang membesar dan bikin paranoid.

I once had a story. It happened ketika gwe masih kecil, masih sekolah minggu. Back then I had a favorite guru sekolah minggu. Gwe gak mau sama orang lain unless with her. Gwe bahkan stayed 2 years with her padahal harusnya gwe naik kelas dan ganti guru but I chose to stick with her. Until one day, pas lagi perayaan Natal. Dia jadi make up artist gitu dan gwe as a kid dancer. I remembered clearly what she said kalau dia nggak suka dandanin orang setengah-setengah. Jadi sebelum dia dandanin gwe, dia kelarin dandanin satu-satu anak. Tibalah giliran gwe, dan pas lagi make up in gwe, di tengah-tengah dia menghilang dan entah kemana. It made me kinda shock dan baper (dari kecil I was that baper). I forgot the rest of the story that night, but I never forget that scene.

And again, what I thought is just a simple thing ternyata nggak sadar malah jadi pemancik traumatic in my life, the fear of being left. 

Lalu, randomly tadi pas di shuttle bus. Di saat gwe sedang merefleksi diri kenapa gwe lagi baper banget hari-hari ini, I remembered one scene in Bible tentang hal yang sama. Ini interpretasi gwe loh ya, but I think, one of the biggest factor yang bikin Tuhan Yesus ketakutan sampai nangis keluar air mata darah adalah karena Dia takut ditinggalin sama Bapa.

Bukan serta merta takut karena Dia bakal disalib, disiksa, dan dianiaya sama tentara Romawi. More than that, Dia takut ditinggalin sama Tuhan. Dia takut ditinggalin what matters most to Him, His Father. Because He knows for sure, once He sacrificed Himself for human, Dia bakal terpisah sama Allah Bapa karena dosa manusia.

And this what made Jesus worry and scared, more than anything.

Di sela-sela gwe menulis ini, I was thinking, how amazing my God is. Entah kenapa gwe merasa God was trying to tell me that it's normal somehow to feel this kind of feeling. Fear of being left alone. Fear of being no longer be loved, di saat gwe berpikir... 'Asli, gwe lebay banget!'

But what matters most is how we respond. Again, I was reminded about this verse, 

'My comfort in my suffering is this: Your promise preserves my life.' -Psalm 119:50

And what is His promise?

'.. Because God has said, "Never will I leave you, never will I forsake you." -Hebrew 13:5b

And there's still a lot about God's promises of never leaving us in the Bible. 

Set your mind on things that are above, not on earthly things. Maybe this what I should hang on to these days. Stop thinking about earthly things when I have an insurance in Christ alone. People changes, seasons passes, but His words are yes and amen. His promises preserve my life.

*currently listening to Made for Worship - Planetshakers

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Tentang Jadi Kuat (lagi).

"Be strong....."

That was the message my Pastor prayed for me last night. 

Lucunya, jadi ceritanya lagi di rumah doa generasi alias tiap Kamis minggu pertama every month we pray for generation, Terus, biasalaaah every leader from its department disuruh maju didoain. Which i'm not one of them jadi yaaa ga maju ya. But deep inside my heart kayak pengen sih didoain meski gak tau harus didoain apa karena well, nothing really a big deal in my life nowadays.

Nothing happened, sampai doa berkat. Tapi pas mau doa berkat, our Pastor tiba-tiba bilang 'yang mau didoain boleh stay while yang mau pulang boleh pulang.' dan itu udah malam. Around 9.30 pm. Gwe yang biasanya selalu pulang naik shuttle dan harus kabur dari senci ke tempat shuttle dari jam 9, hari itu gwe pulang naik taksi karena sebelumnya gwe abis liputan kerjaan, jadi dapet transpot pulang. So I didn't have to rush ke shuttle. So I stayed, buat minta didoain.

"Mau didoain apa?" He asked.

"Anything." I said.

Awalnya dibecandain dulu, doi malah tanya lagi, 

"Udah ada nama??"

yang gwe sambut dengan shock.. Secara lagi altar call sis, trus si Pastor gaul ini malah nanya aneh-aneh plus senyum renyah diikutin temen-temen gwe yang rencana awal jadi catcher tapi malah nguping the whole prayer. HAHAHA

I forgot the rest of the prayer (seperti biasa -_-) but one thing I remember adalah, He prayed for me untuk be strong, jangan kayak ilalang yang suka ketiup angin, jangan moody and I have to stand strong soalnya I berdiri di atas Firman Tuhan. Kurang lebih begitu.

Pas lagi didoain, honestly gwe sedikit mikir dan kaget. Tuhan, kenapa tentang strong-strong-an lagi. Gwe lumayan beberapa kali didoain untuk jadi kuat, and I have no idea which part of my life yang gwe harus be strong. Apakah gwe bakal dibawa pelayanan ke suku-suku pedalaman? Atau gwe bakal punya pasangan hidup yang ganteng dan kaya raya so I have to be strong karena doi bakal punya banyak fans cewek (yeaa melenceng aje sish). And so yeah, I think.

Kelar didoain, gwe jadi pengen banget nanya ke my Pastor itu, apa maksudnya. Apa yang dia dapatin sampai dia doain gwe tentang be strong. Tapi siapaaalah gwe ini, mana ada keberanian buat nanya ke doi. Since he is my Pastor yang paling gwe segenin HAHAHAHA. Tiap doi dateng pokoke gwe mau melipir ajalah bawaannya. But funnily, malam itu gwe pas mau turun sama temen gwe berdua. We're waiting for the elevator, trus tiba-tiba si Pastor juga nunggu lift. Dan lift yang ditunggu masih jauh di lantai bawah while we're in 8th floor. Yaudah deh gwe memberanikan diri buat nanya, 'Ko, why be strong?'

And he answered me, "Pas doain kamu, pokoknya saya diingetin tentang ilalang. Ilalang itu gampang kebawa angin, gampang ke kiri ke kanan. Nah kamu harus be strong. Kayak Simon yang arti namanya ilalang, tapi diubahin sama Tuhan jadi Petrus yang punya arti batu karang. Jangan gampang moody."

Tanpa tahu maksudnya apaan, air mata gwe uda ngalir aje (emank dasarnya cengeng). Then I thank him dan pulang. Di jalan gwe mikir, apa ya maksudnya..... Dan BAM! I know! Maybe what God was trying to tell me adalah......

Be strong! Kalau Tuhan udah bilang A, promise A, be strong! Jangan gampang kebawa angin keragu-raguan, jangan gampang kebawa angin galau, khawatir, bahkan angin 'mati rasa' which I sering membiarkan diri gwe diombang-ambingin. Di satu momen gwe bisa merasa, 'Gileee I was made for more! God have great plan for my life!' dalam waktu beberapa minggu or bulan, gwe bisa merasa 'What am I doing here??? Tuhan, apa sih nggak ngerti? Udah deh nggak mau Tuhan-Tuhan lagi ya."

Mungkin ini maksudnya gwe kayak ilalang yang gampang kebawa angin. Then I have to be strong berdiri di atas Word of God. When all else fails, we all know that God's Word won't fail. Kalau udah begini caranya, kan keterlaluan kalau besok-besok I still doubting my life and His plans in my life.

Belakangan ini lagi suka istilah 'Loved when I least deserve it.' Siapa kita sampai dicintai Tuhan sebegitunya, dipeduliin Tuhan sebegitunya. :") And if He does this for me yang nggak ada apa-apanya, He surely does the same thing to you. He knows you, and He is trying to talk with you in His marvelous simple ways. Cuma, are you listening to His voice? Dan stop membiarkan diri sendiri untuk ditiup angin-angin yang bikin masuk angin dan nggak enak badan.

*currently listening to More Than Enough - Jpcc worship*

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